Online Dating & the ever growing desire to find Love….Fact is, online dating is as real as it gets.
The song “all we need is Love� struck a cord deep within our beings, that is truly to be explored a bit further.

Life is completely about Love, the only real meaning to Life would be to be loved and to Love. Don’t believe me, look into this for yourself. Ultimately we all need love and practically all of what we so eagerly pursue, has on some level or remote level, to do with seeking love…How can I make such a statement? “Seek and ye shall find…� For the next week or two analyze the reasons for doing that big thing you are always keen to do…. That Friday night out with the girls that you would not miss, that fancy sports car you need to have…. The new shoes you can not do without. Is all of this not really an indication that we want to be out there, we want to look good while we out there and if we are looking good we might just find Love? Let’s look a bit at some of our beliefs about love.

How many of us believe we have to give up certain parts of who we are, in order to find or hold onto Love? The opposite is however the real truth about Love. The highest expression of Love is finding yourself in a place where you can find more of you! A place where you’re deeper Self can be expressed…. Your silly playfulness, your job, what you believe in and mostly who you are… We say this daily but do we really understand it? Do we truly hunt the relationships where we can be ourselves? Are you seeking experiences where you can learn more and be more of who you are? I know so many people rather seeking to get to learn more of who their partners are. What their partners believe and how their day jobs affect them. The wise old man on the street corner once said: Love yourself first…. You would be surprised at the level of accuracy that old fool spoke with. You can not find love from the outside if you are not love on the inside. While we like almost every other person learn about love and relationships through trail and error, we write thick books of rules who not to love, who to love and in which ways to love them. Rather then this I would advice writing thick novels about your self! Establish what is right for you and who you are. Relationships need you to come into them with a strong sense of self and a knowing of whom you are and the ones that really succeed would be those where both parties, brought to it a pretty full cup.

Online Dating is pretty much the same. It’s easy to say online dating does not work or it’s bad and we warn others not to attempt it. Does online dating not work or is it your choices that work against you? Bear in mind that I maintain, your search for dates or partners online, is another way to actually search for love. Many would say, no we just looking for “physical� partners online. Yet again we seek to find love within the physical as well. For many of us the physical is a subconscious trigger that we are being loved. Strange old energy this thing called love, is it not?

Exactly like seeking any other relationship or seeking love, love online would be a daunting experience if you bring a daunting self to its door. As many of us would advice about the ways to go about finding love, give advice and seminars on relationships, the same applies to relationships and love on the world wide web. Many of us might think well finding love in the physical world does not work for me and I will therefore try finding love in the cyber world….. hello ! It’s the same world! Going online as an empty shell is the same as going to a pub as an empty shell.

Apply all the deep truths you know and been taught by the gurus right here online as well. Online dating is as real as it gets. The very same real experiences we seek or choose to get into would happen from this online dating world that some of us believe to be separate from reality. Therefore apply your real Self to this very real experience as well.

Do you believe there is an amazing partner out there for you? Or do you believe that you’ve already met your prefect paramour and all you’ve got to do is navigate the choppy waters of that all important first date to get the show on the road? I live in the centre of the universe (London) but the rules of the dating game are the same wherever you live, and if you follow my tips and advice, then it’s a game that you’re going to win.

FOR GUYS…

1) Be confident (and if you don’t feel confident – act it!) – women love confidence in a man, they find this incredibly sexy.

2) Take charge and revel in your masculine energy; ladies love to relax on dates knowing that you have organised all the details. It’s up to you to decide where to go, book a table etc.

3) Ask her questions about herself that allow her to open up; listen intently and make sure you nod, um and arrhhh in all the right places.

4) If you really the girs, take her flowers on the first date (the bigger the bunch the more points you score!) Women love romance so if you can romance a lady, then you’re already at first base.

5) Be attentive to her needs, make sure she is not too hot/ cold, that she has a drink etc; women notice small details like that.

6) Look at her as much as you can (no ogling though!); women love attention and they like to feel like they are being admired.

7) If you can afford it, pay for her on the first date. You don’t have to go anywhere expensive - a local gastro-pub will do. But don’t come across a bit of a meanie as first impressions last.

8) Take her somewhere on a first date that encourages conversation - perhaps for meal and a nice glass of wine - but in a bar or restaurant that isn’t too noisy. Remember, if you go somewhere like the cinema or a football match, then you wont be able to chat and get to know each other.

9) Women always look at shoes, be sure yours reflect the right image!

10) A great smell can make a lasting impression. I have often heard women talk about a guy’s after-shave so make sure you stock up on the CK1!

FOR GIRLS…

1) Wait for a guy to ask you out – this may sound old fashioned but men love the chase, allow yourself to be pursued and enjoy it.

2) Allow him to book a table, open doors, pay you compliments, pay for the meal etc; give him control of the first date!

3) Be happy and be the type of person that men want to be with; radiate good energy, smile and your date will be all the more entranced.

4) Approach the date with the aim of having fun; forget about whether he is Mr Right and focus on just enjoying yourself and having a good time.

5) Compliment a man, the things he is doing for you, the choice of meal etc – men love this.

6) Take an interest in HIS interests. Don’t just talk about yourself and what you like to do.

7) Don’t mention your ‘ex’! There’ll come a time in any relationship when both of you will talk about your past relationships. Unless the guy specifically brings up the subject, a first date really isn’t the time.

8) Turn your mobile ‘phone off. If you’re taking calls from your friends or reading texts, your date will soon lose interest. Only keep your phone switched on if you’re expecting a VERY important call.

9) If the guy has invited you out for a meal, be careful how much you spend on his credit card. You don’t necessarily have to choose the cheapest items on the menu, but don’t order lobster and Champagne either. If a man invites you out for dinner on a first date, don’t use it as an excuse to indulge yourself in a way that you wouldn’t do if you were paying for yourself.

10) Say thank you - in fact you should say it twice; at the end of the date as you’re saying goodnight and then either in a follow-up ‘phone call or by text message the next day. Even if you don’t want to see him again (in which case, thank him by text!), you don’t want to give him the impression that you have no manners.

Dating can seem hard. It is hard to find someone that shares your same interests. It is hard to find someone you connect with. Looking for love is definitely a hard road to travel.

Dating conversation can be the most awkward situation a person can ever find themselves in. Stating a dating conversation is frustrating. For many people just the anticipation is enough to make them not even try to find conversation starters.

In starting a conversation while dating you are actually at an advantage because you both already have something in common - you are on a date together, at the same place, with, hopefully, the same intentions. The only thing left to do is pick one of those three things to talk about and get started.

The following section explains what types of conversation starters work best in a dating situation. These tips can help you to understand why certain topics result in better conversation.

You can then use this knowledge to help yourself start some good dating conversations.

1. Observant comments.

Starting a conversation by commenting on something around you allows your date to participate in the conversation. You could make a comment about something interesting your date is wearing or about the place you are at.

Observant comments focus the conversation on something both of you can talk about and shows your date that you are at ease enough to be looking at things around you, not just focusing on yourself.

2. Adding humor.

Almost everyone can appreciate a good joke. People love to laugh. It releases tension and will generally put someone at ease. Adding in a little humor to your conversation will liven things up.

It will show your date you are not afraid to laugh and you are fun to be around. Be careful of focusing too much on being funny, though. Let it come naturally.

3. Be unique.

Say something interesting or unusual. Avoid being weird, though. Catch your date off guard with something that is not a clich?. Try to go outside the box and be creative.

These three conversation starter tips will help you to start out the conversation on a good note. Plus you can avoid common problems that lead to boring conversation.

The following section gives some examples of what to say to start a dating conversation.

1. Ask if his or her day was as boring as yours.
2. Ask how he or she got their current job.
3. Ask your date if he or she has ever dreamed of living somewhere else and where and why he or she would live there.
4. Comment on the unusual d?cor of the restaurant.
5. Comment on a current event.
6. Ask your date if he or she has a special hobby.

These are some simple conversation starters that can really take off into a better conversation. You can share back and forth and really get to know more about your date through these conversations.

Always listen attentively and do not take over the conversation. Let it flow and follow the tips and suggestions here to get your dating conversations going.

Dating is a complex coming-of-age experience. It is an uncertain and often humiliating and painful time for teens. While boys and girls alike have uncertainties and questions about relationships, boys may struggle more with expressing themselves and sharing their feelings. Socialized to be “manly” and fearing ridicule, many learn to bottle or avoid emotions. Young adult literature about girls and dating with which boys can relate can be a safe portal through which boys can explore emotions without fear of ridicule; such literature can provide answers to questions boys may never ask.Unfortunately, little literature about girls and dating appeals to males. How many high school boys, for instance, want to read a Judy Blume or Louise Rennison novel? Boys need stories about relationships that are not feminine in nature: books about girls and dating must be realistic and gritty, not romantic or dreamy; they should contain action, suspense, or themes such as sports. Covers need to attract young men specifically; they cannot be cartoonish; nor can they resemble Harlequinn romances. Titles, too, must capture males.

Novels featuring these characteristics are rare; however, as the young adult literature genre matures, authors are beginning to write about relationships that appeal to boys. Publishers are also becoming increasingly aware of the power of visual images and titles-if a young adult novel looks too much like something a boy read in middle school or looks too feminine, high school boys will likely be turned off. An analysis of recently published books that have covers and titles appealing to high school boys and that feature male protagonists realistically wrestling with their feelings about girls follows.
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The cover (a girl’s torso) and title of Markus Zusak’s Getting the Girl (2003) is a sure winner with boys. Within the pages is a rugged, yet tender story, about first love and brotherly solidarity. Cameron Wolfe lives in the shadow of his older, athletic brother, Ruben. While Cameron yearns for a girlfriend, he watches Ruben run through girls and listens as Ruben talks trash about ex-girlfriends. Ruben wants each girl only because she is his next conquest; he has no feelings for girls and has never loved. Feeling disdain for Ruben’s behavior, Cameron vows he will treat girls better; however, he must first find a girlfriend.

When Ruben and Octavia break up, Cameron’s desire becomes a reality as he and Octavia develop a tender relationship. Though Ruben has moved on to something better, he becomes jealous of Cameron’s sensitivity toward Octavia and beats Cameron up. Octavia ends her relationship with Cameron because she refuses to come between two brothers. Cameron feels lost and hopeless; Ruben feels guilty for destroying the relationship.

While a central theme of Zusak’s latest novel is brotherly love, the novel has much to offer boys about relationships. Ruben disrespects girls, while Cameron is affectionate and respectful. Newly comparing himself to Cameron, Ruben becomes angry and no longer feels his former pride in treating girls like trophies. Healthy relationships, he realizes, are not about conquering girls, treating them like prizes, or even having sex. Getting all the “hot” girls does not make him a man; in fact, it is treating women with respect that shows strength and character. Cameron becomes his role model.

Zusak’s novel raises an important issue for boys: respect. While some boys value girls, many emulate Ruben. Sometimes disrespect comes from family experiences; other times it may come from peer relations and other cultural forces. Because attitudes and behaviors are difficult to alter, it is unlikely that disrespectful boys will suddenly treat girls better after reading Getting the Girl; however, Zusak’s novel can offer boys some insight into the nature of healthy relationships. Well-developed and realistic, Ruben Wolfe is a character with whom boys can easily relate.

While boys often exploit girls, boys can also be victimized. The male protagonist in Ellen Wittlinger’s Razzle (2001) allows himself to be used, despite numerous warnings. When fifteen-year-old Kenyon Baker moves with his retired parents to Cape Cod to restore and operate a dilapidated resort, Kenyon believes he will experience the worst summer ever; instead, he meets Razzle Penney, a tall, skinny, eccentric girl, and the two become close friends. Their friendship is tested, however, when Kenyon falls for Harley, a gorgeous but trampy girl, despite warnings from Razzle and Harley’s castoffs.

With the aid of Frank, a gay plumber, Kenyon learns that beauty is truly skin deep, a hard but important lesson. When Harley tricks him into shooting photos of her and displaying them in an art show, hoping she will be discovered and get off Cape Cod, Kenyon realizes Harley played him like all new boys to Cape Cod. Though Razzle lacks Harley’s sexual appeal and physical beauty, Kenyon realizes he cares for Razzle because she is real and true. Despite his revelation, Kenyon must leave Razzle when his aging parents admit repairing the rundown resort is too labor intensive.

However, if you’re single because you can’t seem to get that call for a second date, or because you believe that all men are commitment-phobes, or because there isn’t a man out there who is good enough for you, or because you seem to be a magnet for the playas, then read on. Experts, and a few famous bachelors, point out what you may be doing wrong and how you can increase your chances of finding and keeping the Brother you want.

MISTAKE NO. 1

You’re chasing the “bad boy” (AKA the wrong man).

Undeniably, the allure of the “bad boy” is real. What hot-blooded Sister wouldn’t want to win in the ultimate love challenge–to be the one woman to make a playa grow up and settle down?

Men also recognize the thrill appeal of being “bad boys” as well, according to World Wrestling Entertainment superstar Shelton Benjamin.
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“Some women are intrigued by what they really don’t understand,” Benjamin explains. “Women just like that tough image … to go for the biggest, the strongest, the toughest, and that’s what the bad boys portray.” The professional wrestler, who admits that he is a notorious flirt, adds that it’s not impossible to tame a “bad boy” if you catch him at a vulnerable moment, and if you have the patience of Job.

HINT: In most cases, you will not be successful taming a “bad boy” unless he’s ready to be tamed, says relationship therapist Audrey B. Chapman, author of Seven Attitude Adjustments for Finding a Loving Man. “Shut down your one-woman help clinic for commitment-phobic men,” she warns. “Trying to turn them into marriage-minded partners is a waste of your time and energy.”

MISTAKE NO. 2

You’re too shy (or too proud) to make the first move.

Mr. Right spots Ms. Right and gallantly pursues her until she accepts his hand in marriage–that’s the stuff that Hollywood romances are made of. But what’s a girl to do if she spots Mr. Right, and for one reason or another, he doesn’t even know that she exists? Is she supposed to wait in the wings until fate brings them face-to-face?

Consider Laura’s plight.

Laura had a huge crush on Jason, a new member of her health club, and Tasha, another gym member, had set her eyes on Jason, too. But they took a different approach to get his attention–Laura took a wait-and-hope approach, while Tasha stepped to Jason. Several weeks later, Jason and Tasha were dating, and the patient Laura had missed the boat.

“We have to be active in the process of finding, meeting and loving the right man who comes our way,” suggests psychologist Jarralynne Agee, contributor to Chicken Soup for the African American Soul. “You don’t want to be dismissive [show no interest] or aggressive [show forced interest]; however, being assertive, that is, showing a confident level of interest, will help a guy know where he stands with you and that he can reciprocate the interest.”

And don’t let pride stand in the way of your making that first move, says William July II, author of Confessions of An Ex-Bachelor. “My advice is, if you see something you like, go for it,” he says. “Life is too short to wait around for the right person simply to approach you. If you see a man and you get the right vibes, take a chance.”

HINT: Approaching a man can be a flattering gesture, according to some Brothers, but throwing yourself at a man’s feet can be detrimental.

MISTAKE NO. 3

You’re desperate to be a wife–and it shows.

Some Sisters aren’t shy at all–they fall on the opposite end of the spectrum, those women who “ain’t too proud to beg” for a husband, perhaps even on the first or second date.

A woman can literally talk herself out of a potential committed relationship by moving too fast, warns relationship author William July II. On one Sunday, July had just enjoyed an afternoon at the movies with a woman who he really liked. On the ride home, this Sister asked him to take a route where some new homes were being constructed. The Sister’s conversation took a wrong turn and this romantic route had suddenly marked the end of the road for their courtship. It was their fourth date.

“We admired the fine homes under construction,” July recalls. “That’s

I couldn’t believe I was accepting my mother’s generous offer to move back home, even if it was the logical thing to do. My own beloved Burbank town house had gone into foreclosure, the result of an ugly divorce. On top of that, I had recently returned to my native New York City as a single dad in the midst of a career change after 12 years as a music-industry executive in Los Angeles. Something had to go, and as supporting my child and covering expenses for my doctoral degree weren’t options, rent was it. To my mother’s delight, I returned home with my then-8-year-old son. I was grateful, but concerned: What woman would date a fortysomething man living with his mom? But, as it turned out after I settled in, there was no reason for concern. I was focused on raising a young child, getting my finances back in order and beginning a career as a college professor. And I was so busy taking classes and writing term papers for my graduate course work that what any woman thought of me was irrelevant. Dating had tumbled way down on the priority list.

My good friend Ron, who had moved back home a few years earlier after a failed business left him financially strapped, told me not to worry. “We’re all just one pink slip away from disaster,” he said. “So be thankful you don’t have to worry about being homeless.” He had a point.
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However, a few years later, after going without female companionship for longer than I would ever have imagined, I was amazed to discover that along the way I had lost my confidence. Meeting a woman meant eventually discussing my home life, something I avoided like the plague. A grown man simply was not supposed to live with his mother. Yet the few women I opened up to genuinely seemed more impressed that I was raising my son than disappointed that I was living with my mother.

But all this didn’t register with me at the time, and my self-esteem plummeted. Rather than relax with the women who enjoyed being in my life, I was getting more and more frustrated imagining that other women were frowning at my situation–even though I hadn’t met a single one who had said anything negative. But my worst fears were realized when, in a heated argument, a woman I had started dating called me a mama’s boy. If her goal was to push my buttons, she put her finger squarely on the one that left me most vulnerable. I played it off, but my Caribbean-American machismo had been cut to the bone. Is that what women considered me–a mama’s boy?

To boost my sagging ego, I thought about the single mothers I knew. It never bothered me that many of them lived at home. I understood the importance of having a family support system and financial flexibility. So why should it be any different for a man doing the child rearing? Recent studies indicate that adult children are moving back home at steadily increasing rates, with males returning to the nest more than females. I like to think there’s a correlation between those figures and the growing number of men willing to assume responsibility for their children.

It hasn’t been easy, but a good therapist helped me eventually put my life back into proper perspective. Now I’m glad things worked out the way they did. My mom has been a tremendous help with my son, and I’ve been a tremendous help to her. My son, now 14, benefits from being raised in a solid, if nontraditional, family structure.

As for dating, I would advise any woman who discovers her new love interest is a home boy–in the truest sense of the word–to look at the big picture before passing judgment. As my buddy Maurice, who recently returned to his mother’s house, so wisely put it, “Once that woman understands the circumstances behind the move, she just may find this is a brother of immense character and exceptional integrity.” I’d like to think there is a sister out there who would agree.

HE knew by her screen name–Mzdkalf. She knew him, by his handle–Chrlskem. They had never seen each other or heard the other. But from their first meeting on the Internet, they knew they were kindred souls. “I could relate to what she was saying about everything,” says Charles Kemp, 50, a Mississippi author and retired army veteran who met his match through an on-line ad. “A lot of things she was saying were the same feelings I had. When I talked to her on the Internet that first time, I said, `I ain’t letting her get away.” Kemp and Alabama telecommunications worker Deborah K. Alford Kemp stayed on-line that night from 8 p.m. until 3 a.m. They disconnected for just a few moments to call each other on the phone. The pair swapped stories until Deborah’s son went to school that morning. Two days later, Kemp came to visit. Two weeks later, they wed.

“We could not turn each other loose on the phone, on the computer in person,” says Deborah, a 39-year-old who works for Bell South. “We began thinking, `How could we stay in each other’s lives?’ He said, `Do you wanna get married tonight?’ I said, `No … but I’m off Tuesday.’ We were married that day in Alabama, just the two of us and the justice of the peace.”

While the speed of their courtship is rare, what’s not is the way they met. On-line dating, with all its joys and dangers, has become the decade’s hottest way for African-American singles to connect. From on-line personals to cyber-chat rooms and message boards, professional Brothers and Sisters are using the Interact to meet new people and find love.
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“Every year, more Black people are meeting on the Interact,” says Diane Costa, founder, of Love NubianStyle.com, a matchmaking site for Black professionals that will debut Valentine’s Day. “People are getting more and more comfortable with the idea of on-line dating. It’s like television. When it first came out, some people said, `Girl, you need to get a TV,’ while others said, `It’s not going to last,’ Well, TV is everywhere and Internet dating is too.”

Costa speaks from experience. While living in California, some friends encouraged her to place an on-line personal ad. She got plenty of responses though none caught her heart. But the model says the Internet helped her to find happiness another way. When she met a Detroit lawyer at a California housewarming, they stayed in touch over the next eight months through the computer. Today, they’re married.

“I guess you could say I fell in love with Dave over the Interact,” she says.

In 1998, African-Americans spent $1.3 billion on computer hardware, software and on-line services, according to Target Market News, a Chicago-based research firm that monitor African-American consumer habits. That’s a 44 percent jump in computer-related spending from the previous year.

There’s no way of knowing how much of that sum went toward Internet dating services, but the popularity of sites such as Love@aol.com and Blacksingles.com, which soared from 3,000 page views or hits in its first month of operation to an average of 5 million hits each month, reveals a growing willingness of African-Americans to give computer love a try.

The success of Internet dating doesn’t surprise Target Market News president Ken Smikle. “Traditionally, African-Americans are the ones who embrace new technology faster than anyone else, whether we’re talking about the computer or cable TV,” he says. “We are always looking for ourselves because we are not able to find ourselves in traditional media. If you have [those innovations], you can have virtually a 24-7 Black experience every day of the year.”

It’s all about choices, says Smikle. The same thing applies to cyberdating. “It’s a great way to meet,” he says. “The traditional ways of meeting people are not disappearing; they are being enhanced and supplemented by what the Internet brings to relationships.”

The Internet is giving new flavor to romance. Instead of hooking up in nightclubs and gyms, Black singles also can meet interesting prospects without leaving home. On the Internet, the world becomes your meeting ground. You can connect through on-line personals or find your soul mate by chatting in topic rooms about the Harlem Renaissance or urban renewal. Some people even have first dates and begin to court–by sending their sweetie virtual flowers and electronic greeting cards–all before seeing his or her face.

But despite the artificial environment, experts say what makes Internet dating work is its simulation of real life.

“Our virtual community is no different from an upscale hotel lobby bar where well-dressed men and women come together to talk,” says Barry Cooper, founder of BlackVoices.com, a web site with more than a half-million regular users. “In real life, some of those people hook up and some get married and live happily ever after. The same thing is happening on the ‘Net.”

We got the ultimate dating experts the authors of the Rulesl) to answer all your need-to-know-now dating questions.

Q I’ve always had trouble getting the really hot and intelligent guys to talk to me. They’re only interested in the gorgeous girls. How do I get a great guy to be interested in me? I have a great personality, I’m fun to be with, and I have a good sense of humor.”–Joule, 17, New York, NY.

a We believe there’s someone for everyone (”a cover for every pot” as they say) so be yourself and trust that someone will love you for your great personality–just the way you are. Unfortunately, you can’t make anyone be interested in you or talk to you first, so don’t even waste your time and energy trying! You can, however, look your best, smile, and put yourself in the right social situations to meet that right guy. After that, sorry to say, it’s out of any girl’s control1 Good luck!Sherrie Schneider and Ellen Fatin are the authors of The Rules: Time-tested Sacrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right and The Rules II: More Rules to Live and Love By.

Think back on all the red flags. The late night calls from his “mother. The guy she swore was “just a friend” who took her on a cruise. The late nights at work, the telephone number mysteriously found in the pocket/purse, the poorly justified alibis–all signs of cheating.

Okay, so you ignored the warning signs, but know that you don’t have to be the victim again. School is in session and experts are about to tell you how to spot a cheater.

Carefully observing a person’s pattern, says, Michael Baisden, is one way of spotting a cheater. The lack of consistency is always one common denominator, says the author of God’s Gift To Women and the national best-seller The Maintenance Man.No matter how slick a man or woman think they are, at some point they are going to break their routine in order to get out into the streets,” says the former TV talk show host, who also penned Never Satisfied: How & Why Men Cheat. “It could be a lack of consistency emotionally, availability, the way they dress, sudden desire to work out, and the ultimate tell-tell sign, sexual inconsistency. All of a sudden Superman turns into Minute Man!”

The original Kinsey Report, published some 50 years ago, showed that 60 percent of men, compared to 30 percent of women, were unfaithful to their spouses before the age of 40. Subsequent studies have shown that those figures

Not necessarily. But since you feel distressed, it sounds like you’re not ready to have a BF. No prob! Don’t talk yourself into it if you’d rather keep things friendly. If he asks, tell him you like him but aren’t ready for a relationship. If you do go out with this guy, remember that it’s OK to hold hands but not kiss, or kiss but only kiss. Never do things you don’t want to do with a guy. After all, having a BF isn’t supposed to make you feel uptight or uneasy. Just happy. Dear Preteen,

Dear Carol,

I went out with my first BF for three months, but he broke up with me. I still really like him. He knows how I feel, but he won’t even talk to me. Actually, he’s going out with someone else now. How do I get him to like me again?

Sad

Dear Sad,

Sorry you’re bummed. This may sound harsh, but…since he has moved on, you should, too. He was your first boyfriend, not your last. Talk to other guys, and have a sleepover with the girls. Hang with people who like your company instead of dwelling on a fool who doesn’t.

Dear Carol,

I’m 12 and very furry. My fingers, my nose, even my ears have dark hair! If I didn’t secretly pluck my eyebrows, I’d have a unibrow. I’m uncomfortable in bikinis or tiny tops because my stomach hair shows, My mom won’t let me bleach it, and I don’t know what to do.
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Hairy Mess

Dear Hairy,

We’re mammals, so we all have fuzz–even on our ears and fingers. I doubt yours is as noticeable as you think. As for feeling uncomfortable in certain clothes, many girls do–whether it’s because of hair, weight, breast size or just self-consciousness. Remind yourself what you like most about your body and choose clothes you feel good in. If the hair continues to bug you, ask your mom again about bleaching, waxing or depilatories.

Dear Carol,

My cousin is 18 and just had a babty girl. The father is 22, and she hasn’t seen him since they were together, I feel really uncomfortable around her.

Uncomfortable

Dear Uncomfortable,

I don’t blame you for feeling uneasy. Next time you’re with your cuz, talk about the tot–how cute she is, how often she wakes up at night, whether she can sit up yet. If you loved your cousin before, you can love her now…and her baby, too. That said, it’s never ideal when a teen has a child and even more complicated when the daddy pulls a disappearing act. Caring for a baby (and then raising a toddler, child, preteen and teen) takes maturity and money. Your cousin’s carefree days are over, but what’s done is done. Accept it. Help your cousin out by offering to watch the baby while she takes a bubble bath. BTW, even though relatives might coo over the newborn, be aware that they, like you, might have mixed feelings. Why not talk about it together?

Dear Carol,

This guy thinks he’s in love with me, but I hate him. What should I do?

Clueless

Dear Clueless,

Don’t be mean to the poor guy. So he has good taste. Hate is a brain drain. Can’t you just ignore him? He probably already realizes his chances with you are slim, so he’ll move on soon enough.

Dear Carol,

A totally untrue, nasty rumor is going around about me and a guy I hardly know and don’t like. I’m really upset.

Nasty Rumor

Dear Rumor,

I understand you’re upset. But, believe me, the rumor will fade as fast as it started, especially since it’s not true and involves a guy you don’t even hang out with. Serious people don’t take rumors seriously. If you can’t ignore the rumor while it evaporates, ask your best buds to help defend your reputation. But be warned–this sometimes keeps gossipers gabbing even longer. For now, hold your head high and be seen in a positive light–perhaps on stage, in class or on the field. Don’t let a stupid rumor squash your confidence.

Dear Carol,

How can I go about asking a guy out? I’ve liked this guy forever, but I’m scared to say, “Ya free Saturday night?”

Ready

Dear Ready,

Sometimes, fear is your friend. Unless you and this dude are doing some serious flirting and he’s giving you a bright green light, it could be risky to ask him out. You don’t want to put him on the spot, and he might need time to evaluate his feelings–and whether or not he’s willing to make them public. A safe way to ask a guy out is something like, “Will you be at Stephanie’s party this weekend?” This shows him you’re into him, but in a discreet way. You could also say, “Some of us are going bowling tomorrow. Wanna go?” Of course, if you want to go for broke, you can ask, “Wanna take in a movie Friday night?” He might say, “Sure.” Or he might say, “Sorry.” If he declines, do not–I repeat, do not–say, “Then how about Saturday or Sunday or next weekend or the weekend after that?” You want to seem interested, not desperate. Oh, and make sure you’ve talked to your parents about going out. It would be pretty embarrassing if your crush said, “Sure,” but your parents say, “No way!” One other thing: You ask, you should offer to pick up the tab